Baby hungry!

What do you do when your heart and mind don't agree?!
My mind without a shadow of a doubt says NO MORE BABIES!!! But my heart is like OHHH ONE MORE gimme gimme gimme...
It doesn't help that Kinley makes me read her her baby book every stinking day. I mean look at these precious faces. How could I not want another to add to the bundle?!

Every pregnancy announcement on facebook is like a little knife to the heart I made the HUGE mistake of watching a birth video today. OUCH! It seems like EVERYONE I know is either pregnant or most likely will be soon. My heart hurts extra hard for those who struggle with getting pregnant it must be a nightmare for them. I feel like the greediest most selfish person in the world. But, the heart wants what the heart wants.

Then my brain snaps to attention this lovely sight. It's almost gruesome really...Pregnancy does NOT look good on me. At all. Then you've got to deal with all the rude comments from strangers who quite frankly need to shut their fat mouthes and mind their own business (see I can't even write about it without getting mad!) You basically need a crane to roll over in bed. Or get out of bed to go pee for the hundredth time. Boo. Pregnancy sucks. Would I really want to do that again? No. Not really.

But then my heart is like "the kids are so much bigger now, how fun would it be to bring home a baby for them to love on. Plus they would be so much more helpful!" (Or resentful?) See my brain has the upper hand and definitely makes the most sense. 

The cons list is WAY longer than the pros list:

Cons:

Pregnancy sucks

-everything hurts

-you get sick and can't take medicine and you think you'll die

-you pee your pants a lot!

-people are super rude (I remember going to a movie once and teenagers were laughing and pointing. LAUGHING. AND POINTING)

Money

-We would have to buy everything again. We literally just got rid of it all.

-Even our car would have to go.

-carseats 

-Strollers

-diapers

-restricted activities for the next 4 years

-potty training

-teaching them to read

-teaching them to tie their shoes

-teaching them to drive (ok we're not there yet but I am DREADING this day)

GAH it's overwhelming!

That's just the healthy baby list!

My heart keeps telling me "you've had three healthy babies, what could go wrong?" Um ANYTHING! EVERYTHING! My brain is really getting worked up now. 

-tiredness

-depression

-The feeling of mom guilt (I think everyone probably feels this way at some point, at least I hope I'm not the only one!) that I'm not giving the kids I have now enough attention and love and patience. Why put another kid through that?

-I'll just feel this way again once the new baby is grown and the whole painful process starts again. 

might as well get it over with now and save myself the time and money!

Pros:

-Lot's of LOVE.

-LAUGHTER

-CUDDLES

-and cuteness...(why am I crying?? Dang heart is a powerful thing!) 

I do NOT want people to try to convince me to have another one (MOM I'm looking at you!!) and you should definitely not get your hopes up (seriously did you see the cons list?) and if you're sitting there with a little blessing in your arms or in your belly and you're looking at that cons list thinking crap what did I do? Listen to what everyone says "it goes by fast!" because it really does. Enjoy it! But I guess what I'm looking for is help from other moms that decided their family was complete. Do you still feel like this? How do I get past it?? 

SOLVED MYSTERY!

Here's the story of my face pain,
I had gone to the dentist when we first moved here.
He suggested that the filling was old and needed to be replaced. He also said my crowns needed replacing too (sketchy?) I thought that was weird because one was only a year old.
I let them do the one filling because that's only a $40 procedure vs the crowns that are like $400. They kept pushing about the others but I was able to put them off. After they replaced my filing they said it would be sensitive for a while.
A month later I went back in because I was in a LOT of pain. More than just sensitive. They did x-rays and didn't see anything wrong so they filed down my tooth to help it fit better thinking that was where the pain was coming from.
A week after that I was still in a LOT of pain but it was radiating through the whole left side of my face so I thought maybe it was a sinus infection. I went into Urgent Care because Madigan didn't have any appointments. They thought it was a abscessed tooth but since I had just been to the dentist so they put me on an anti biotic. After the anti biotic was done it was still hurting quite a bit so I went back to the dentist. They did another x-ray and still didn't see anything wrong. They adjusted my bite again and fit me for a night guard. They told me I had TMD and there was nothing really I could do about it. It was crushing to hear that this pain/AGONY would never go away. I finally got an appointment with my Dr at Madigan so I asked them about it. They prescribed me muscle relaxers and gave me some stretches that I could do to help with the pain. At this point I was basically over dosing on Tylenol. I was taking way over 3,000mg a day and starting to panic that my liver would die (yes I worry about stuff like that).
After that appointment things got significantly worse. The pain was so bad, it would come in waves like contractions. Some how I survived hosting my mom and dad, ben's mom and Dad, Jeni and the boys, AND the Spencers for Thanksgiving. I feel like I wasn't really able to enjoy it though. Also, while they were here we had Sadie's baptism. It was still super special and such an amazing day but it still feels tainted by the pain.

On Nov 30th I had LASIK.  I was in and out in 15 minutes with the idea that the next day I would wake up able to see perfectly. WELLLLLL....that's not exactly what happened. I woke up and couldn't see out of my left eye, like, at all. The right eye was meh but definitely not as bad as the left. I went in for my follow up appointment and the Dr panicked a little. They rushed me in and went to work. I was in there for an hour. The flap that covers the cornea got crumpled up so they had to go in and flatten it out. The previous day I was drugged and given pillows so it was no big deal. When they went in to fix it I didn't have any of that! It was so painful! I started sweating and the room started spinning and I ALMOST passed out. The eye Dr prescribed Vicodin. I don't like Vicodin. It makes my skin itchy. I went home and napped and when I woke up my eyes were so much better. They're still really light sensitive but at first they were so sensitive the Christmas tree was too bright. I had to wear the sunglasses they gave me inside with the lights off and windows shut. I'm pretty sure that's what triggered the big MIGRAINE.

Ben left a few days after my LASIK and as it always does. Things went bad fast. The light sensitivity mixed with the pain from my face and made a super duper bad migraine. My head was so sensitive that I couldn't lay it on a pillow. I couldn't sleep (because I couldn't lay my head down) there was one night that I literally only slept about 5 minutes.  The pain waves didn't come and go anymore they sort of just overlapped each other. I was 10 cm dilated when I got my epidural with Kinley and I would pick that pain over it any day.

Things came to a head on the day of the piano recital. Sadie played beautifully. I watched but inside I was dying. When I went to leave the church my friend said are you ok? and I lost it. Some men from our ward were there and were able to give me a blessing. I was able to drive home but I probably shouldn't have because the dizzy spells got worse. I almost passed out several times from the pain. I texted my visiting teacher and my friend and they came over. My friend Teri stayed at the house (the kids were already asleep) she cleaned my whole kitchen for me too. That woman is a saint. My VT sis Hansen took me to the ER where they gave me a migraine cocktail and did a head CT. The cocktail helped so much. It made me really sleepy. I slept a lot even though the ER beds are ridiculously uncomfortable. The CT was cool. They did it with contrast which means they had to inject some dye into my IV line. When they did it it felt like fire burst through my veins and felt like I peed my pants. It felt cool though! That came back clear and so they released my around 2:30am. I'm so thankful to those 2 ladies for stepping in to help me. The next day was Sunday. Teri took the kids to church so I could rest. I slept all day. It was lovely.

Monday morning I woke up and called a new dentist office. I figured that the pain started with my filling replacement so that MUST be where the problem is. I'm so glad I trusted myself. They got me in that day and did a CT of my jaw. They were able to see that the filling that was done was actually touching the nerve of my tooth. And that the root of that same tooth was touching the HUGE nerve that runs along the jaw. There was so much infection under the tooth that it was wiggly. They couldn't do the root canal right away because it was way too inflamed. So he prescribed me more Vicodin and more anti biotics. I was able to go in that week for a root canal. While they were doing it it took 30 minutes (not exaggerating) for the infection to drain out. No wonder I was hurting SO BAD. GAH! It makes me so mad! After they did the root canal I felt great! I still feel great. I'm so thankful that my pain was resolved. I feel like I was given that experience to be more understanding towards people dealing with pain or other issues.

  

WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 8TH, 2017

Today was piano for me in the morning. I was super nervous because I hadn't had time to practice. She helped me with a piece from La La Land that I loved (Mia and Sebastians theme) It seems doable so that's good. The rest of the day was clean, clean, cleaning. Getting ready for our special visitors to come tomorrow! Can't wait!! I'm really scared to jump on a scale because I've eaten SO MUCH CANDY the last few weeks. My clothes are fitting awfully tight right now. My face (sinus? Tooth?? Brain Tumor???) pain is back. I was closing my eyes for a minute on the couch because the pain got so bad. When I came out of it I went upstairs and Sadie had gotten everyone ready for bed and was reading to them! Oh my heart melted right there. I adore my angel girl. She is the BEST helper. She totally knew what to do to help with out asking. I haven't been able to talk to Ben for 2 days so that sucks. I know he's probably just doing army things but I miss him!